The sweetest martyrdom

I had an opportunity to attend a marriage today.  At my age, I don’t get that many of them, but this makes two in the last couple of months.  The first was Orthodox, so I was singing in the choir, be-cassocked.  Today’s was in a protestant church, so I attended incognito, simply wearing a suit.

Usually when I wander into a protestant church I like to pretend that I’m a Mystery Worshiper from Ship of Fools.com, and I’m testing the pews for comfort and such.  Today, though, I was kind of working.  My wife had been asked to serve as photographer — she’s very talented that way — so I was serving as photo bag boy.  You know those photographers.  They hire you for your looks.

Still, it was a very sweet wedding.  I know the couple, and they’ve been dating a long time.  They know each other well, and I feel good about their prospects.  The bride was absolutely beautiful, and beaming broadly.  The groom had that odd look us men get at such times — half goofy, half ecstatic, and knowing completely that he couldn’t hold a candle to his bride.

It made me think about marriage.  As a divorce lawyer, I know that marriages these days are more or less disposable.  If it doesn’t work, then its easy enough to try again.  Of course, the divorce is awesomely expensive, just in legal fees alone, but I would still guess that fully half my clients leave court, divorce decree in hand, with another wedding date already on the calendar.  Of course, my role in all of that is a source of constant worry.  I encourage counseling and celebrate reconciliation, but to be honest, the law is not a forum that effectively allows extensive peace-making efforts.

The Church Fathers had an extraordinarily clear eyed view of marriage.  Those guys were not living in the clouds.  Their philosophy was uncompromising, and extremely clear.  It has also become extremely unpopular.  What is it, you ask?  Marriage as martyrdom.

Now usually when I say that, I get smirks or grins in response.  People that have been married for longer than those first glorious months or years will roll their eyes, sigh, and agree whole heartedly.  But they also misunderstand what I am saying.

Marriage is martyrdom because it demands a complete subordination of our selves for the good of our spouse.  It is martyrdom because we are each responsible for our spouse.  In fact, the Fathers teach that the primary purpose of marriage is the salvation of the parties involved.  Children are sweet and important and the intimate aspects of marriage are often the glue that holds things together, but the real reason for marriage is salvation.  (It should be noted that in Orthodoxy salvation is not a one time decision.  It is a process, a life-long experience that requires continuous attention to one’s soul.)

Well, that martyrdom stuff is just plain weird, you say, and in the context of life today, it probably is.  In a modern context, thoughts of subordination raise the specter of domination, usually by the husband of the wife.  This limited vision of marriage is a tragedy, and has done much to undermine Christianity in modern times.  It is true that the scriptures contain verses supporting that view.  Yet they also contain scriptures directing the husband to give his all, his very life, for his wife.  Like so many other things, only a holistic reading of scripture in the light of tradition reveals the Truth.  Surely, such subordination does not guarantee a completely blissful marriage.  We are all sinners, and we will all have rough periods.  Yet it is the way that we approach our marriage that dictates how it will turn out in the long run.

From a practical viewpoint, a little thought reveals the wisdom of the Fathers.  Look at the strong marriages around you.  They are made strong by the constant concern of the spouses for each other.  By thinking in this fashion, they also help support each other in areas where each may be weak.  In my case, for example, my wife helps keep me focused.  Left to my own devices, I dare say I would  quickly fall into bad habits.  We have our separate interests, but at the end of the day, we are together.  We share a similar spiritual outlook.  We consciously think in terms of the salvation of the other.

In Orthodox wedding ceremonies, this teaching is made explicit.  We have what is called a crowning, where the bride and groom actually have crowns placed on their heads — crowns of martyrdom.  With the priest, they process around the tetrapod three times in what is called the Dance of Isaiah, and then the crowns are placed on the altar, a sacrifice to the Lord.

As in so many things in Orthodoxy, in sacrificing our wills, we gain our freedom.  When both parties to a marriage do this, the partnership will prosper.

To Shannon and Patrick, may your marriage indeed prosper. May your martyrdom be sweet. May God grant you many years.