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I received news today that affects all of us, even though I have not yet seen it reported widely in the mainstream media. Apparently, the Internet will be thoroughly cleaned, starting at midnight GMT, April 1. I know that I have noticed considerable degradation in speed and performance of the internet over the last few years, and you have probably been frustrated by it as well. The cleaning will be done by special nano-robots, developed by Sony Corporation, that will scour the entire infrastructure of the net. In addition, because so much of the problem results from poor performance on individual PCs, each computer connected to the net will also be visited by the nano-robots. If I understand the science correctly, the condition of individual computers was not so important when dial-up access was the norm. With the widespread use of DSL and other broadband technologies, however, slow home and office systems are negatively impacting the internet experience for all of us.
According to my source, which was an extensive write up in Internet Industry Daily, there are some things each of us should do to prepare for this valuable cleaning:
1. Expect some quirks in performance when the cleaning begins. Because of the nature of the nano-robots, they may impede the flow of information packets while working in particular lines. This may result in, for example, the display of The New York Times when you are trying to reach your weather page, or even a Bea Arthur fan site when you are trying to reach your blog. Be prepared for this, and rest assured that these temporary inconveniences are in fact that, simply temporary. Also be aware that some links may not work at all for the next 24 hours or so.
2. When the nano-robots visit your computer, part of what they do will be to cleanse your hard drive of images and files that should be on the net itself. Once this maintenance is completed, one benefit will be that the internet will be the place where these kinds of things are stored, as opposed to the local hard drive, freeing up valuable hard drive space. As such, the bots will transfer pictures, documents and correspondence on your hard drive to the internet. You will be easily able to find them by typing either your name or any screen identity you use into Google, and all of your pictures and files will be listed for you to reach. Keep in mind, though, that this will include those….uh, special pictures that you and your spouse took that night when you you opened the champagne, so make sure you remove any potentially embarrassing photos from your hard drive BEFORE midnight, GMT. Otherwise they will be viewable by the entire world in the morning, and by that time will have been cached by Google, so it will be impossible to remove them from the internet.
3. Due to the extreme speed and vigor with which the robots work, it is expected that any dust in your system — indeed, in the entire internet system — will be blown out, thus leaving the entire infrastructure cleaner than ever before. While that will be extremely beneficial in the long run, the fact is that the dirt and dust will have to go somewhere, and it is expected that it will be discharged through the vents of individual computers. In order to keep your home or office clean, you should place your computer into a plastic garbage bag (or grocery bag for laptops), or cover it with a sheet, before retiring Friday night.
There will be some minor problems encountered while this takes place, but by all accounts, our internet experience come Saturday morning should be smoother, speedier and more enjoyable than ever before. For more information, go read the entire article here.
Incidentally, a long time reader has provided this important supplemental information: “If I understand correctly nanotechnology is still brand new. I read somewhere that when the cleansing begins that if you happen to be near your computer you *should not touch the keyboard* until a system message pops up saying it’s safe to do so.”
This is extremely valuable advice. Until this necessary and long overdue cleaning is complete, please be very, very careful.
As Luthien pointed out the other day, I have been sadly deficient at updating. Partly this is due to Lent, partly to an unusually heavy school workload, and partly due to the joys of being a…well, you know.
For example, today I spent all day taking depositions in a case that is meandering — or lurching — toward trial. As are all such cases, it is immensely and unnecessarily complex. Still, you pursue every rabbit down its final hole, which provided some fine moments today.
To set the background, the wife has been living in Florida, taking the real estate exam, although not apparently with any intention of ever using it. Because she has an important appointment at a large city here in the state, she returns home for a few days. The husband (my client) then took her to the Large City, where they spent the night, went to the appointment and he then put her on a plane back to Florida. He returns home, and several weeks later writes her a letter saying he wants a divorce.
This did not sit well with wife, who several weeks after that returns to our little county, talks to a lawyer, and then goes to the courthouse, where she files a domestic violence complaint alleging that husband beat her up the day he drove her to Large City and, incidentally, that she has a desperate need of possession of the house for her residence, and asks that the sheriff remove said Bad Man immediately. Here we pick up the deposition:
Befuddled subdeacon: So, on March 29, your husband assaulted you?
Wife: yes.
BS: Later that day, did you drive to Large City — a trip of some 4 hours — with him?
W: yes.
BS: Did you then spend the night together in a hotel?
W: yes.
BS: Did he provide support for you the next day at the appointment?
W: oh, yes
BS: And then he dropped you off at the airport?
W: yes
BS: You did not report the assault to anyone during that time?
W: no
BS: You returned to North Carolina two months later?
W: yes
BS: And your husband did not know you were coming?
(Here insert long exchange concerning her inability to read husband’s mind, concluding with her admission that she never told him she was coming).
BS: Did you indicate on your domestic violence complaint that you needed to home to reside in?
W: I don’t know.
(BS shows W complaint. Repeats question.)
W: I don’t now what my intention was.
(BS scratches head): What do you mean? That your intention as you walked into the courthouse may have been different than it was when you filled out the paper, and different yet again when you left the courthouse?
W: yes
BS: Have you always lived your life so moment by moment?
W: Indeed I have.
BS: It is true, however, that before leaving Florida to come to North Carolina you paid the next month’s rent on your home in Florida?
W: well, yes.
BS: So how long were in the North Carolina home after the sheriff evicted your husband?
W: 2 weeks
BS: and you left in the company of a moving van?
W: well, yes.
BS: hmmmmm
Wife’s lawyer: ~mutters under her breath~
Tomorrow: endless hours of questioning about overseas bank accounts!
Yep, its Lent alright.
Which is to say, of course, me. Olga discovered yesterday that she has been accepted in an amazingly competitive study abroad program in Bulgaria through Cornell University, with a partial scholarship even. This is good news on many levels. For a classics major, this is a feather in her cap, and will look very nice on her grad school applications, nestled between her recommendations and her essay on Helen of Troy. It also is fun to spend the summer somewhere intriguing, and what word describes Bulgaria better than intriguing? And finally, the vagaries of the airline industry means it will be cheaper to pack her off several weeks early, so she will end up spending several weeks in England with her aunt before heading for Eastern Europe. I’m very, very proud of her, but not so proud of myself: I’ll admit that I am utterly envious.
Of course, being a dad, I was genetically required to put a damper on things, so I forwarded to her a frightening State Department link, warning travelers to Bulgaria of the dangers posed by swarthy eastern European mobsters who drive expensive sedans and SUVS, and have an unfortunate habit of shooting and bombing each other in turf wars; affairs in which an occasional unfortunate tourist has been an unwilling observer. Olga did not appreciate the link, and rightfully so. She is a smart girl, who has shown herself to be capable of wandering around Europe. But what else can a dad do?
I call her a smart girl, but it is also true that as of today, the girl part of the title no longer applies. On St. Patrick’s Day, Olga turns 21. A fitting birthday, since her celtic looks, complete with copper hair, give her the look of the Irish. It is a big day for a young person, and to her I can only say that I love her — and am proud of her — more than I can ever possibly express. I hope the milestone birthday is a very fine one.
Here is the funny thing. When the children were younger, I often thought that the only good part about their growing up would be that we would not have to worry about them any more. Yet now that they are grown up — her little sister turns 18 next month — I find that I still worry incessantly about them. My only excuse is simply that I’m a dad. I think I understand now that I will never stop worrying about them. Doubtless, that will irritate them mightily as they make their own way through life. I hope they can get to the point where they just take it in the spirit in which it is intended.
So, the only emotion left to confront is envy. I want to go to Bulgaria. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. But I know that in Bulgaria they have churches and monasteries, and really good yogurt from what I hear. I know I could find a great number of ways in which to amuse myself. Calgon, take me away!
Before Lent starts in earnest, I mean. One final gasp at frivolity, courtesy once again of Olga, Geoffrey Chaucer’s Very Owne Blog. Most timely, especially for all of those western rite fans out there.
Particularly good: Chaucer dispenses advice to the lost and lovelorn, including this timeless counsel:
And thus, take two pintes of hagen dasz dulce de leche, a ful seson of buffie the vampyre slayre, and calle me in the morninge.
By my feith, sage advice, especially for Cheesefare Week!
Also worth a look: Letters from Sheheet, a blog by a Reader in the Coptic Church who is also a law student. I think I might know this person, and if I am right I know it will continue to be a worthwhile read.
Ancient Church 