To Stand or Fall in Washington: Capital is Key to Security

(Disclaimer: the last time I wrote something like this, asking why we couldn’t be as passionate as people in the middle east, people left comments expressing concern that I really was going out with the Lion’s Club and burning cars. In this one, I wonder what the U.S. would be like if Christians were divided into two virulently opposed camps over who was the legitimate successor to Jesus. I mean, if Muslims can still be exercised about a 1500 year old succession problem, why can’t we? This is satire. Really. It is.)

Washington, D.C., Oct. 23 – Government officials today expressed dismay at the prospects for bringing peace to the nation’s warring Christian factions. Always volatile, levels of violence have soared in recent weeks, as every day brings the discovery of dozens, or even hundreds, of decapitated and mutilated bodies scattered about the sectarian neighborhoods around the country. Frustrated security planners are now pinning their hopes in trying to secure the District of Columbia, arguing that they may then work outwards and bring peace to the remainder of the country.

The root of the problem lies in the age old Christian dispute over who was the proper successor to Jesus. Roman Catholics, known as Peterites, insist that the Apostle Peter was the legitimate successor. Opposing them are equally violent Episcopalians, combined with some Methodists and Unitarians, who insist that the legitimate successor was Jesus’ son-in-law, Sonny. The latter group are known as Sonnis. In the 2000 years since Jesus, the two groups have clashed repeatedly. In recent months, for a variety of reasons, the number of kidnappings and killings has soared.

For many years, the warring factions were relatively quiet, as the government kept in place stringent security measures, under which malefactors were severely punished. As the Christian Holy Season of Christmas approaches, however, restrictions have become less effective, and the government has largely lost control of the situation. The Peterites, primarily through the militia known as the Knights of Columbus, struck first. In a coordinated attack, gangs of intoxicated middle aged men poured out of Catholic neighborhoods. Setting up checkpoints at downtown intersections, they pulled hapless civilians from cars, beating and killing many. In response, Sonni militia forces blew up St. Patrick’s Cathedral during Sunday mass, and initiated widespread campaigns of kidnapping and terror. Since the initial attacks, the cycle of violence has spiraled out of control.

Ordinary citizens can only live in fear. One young Sonni woman, speaking anonymously, said that since she lives close to a Peterite neighborhood she has started to wear a Catholic school uniform whenever she goes out. Such camouflage, she says, is the only way to assure her safety. Other Sonnis in similar circumstances have started to put “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” bumper stickers on their cars. Conversely, Peterites who live in or near Sonni districts make modifications in dress or appearance in order to appear less conspicuous. Some go so far as to carry books by Dan Brown in an effort to blend in, and avoid unwanted attention from militia members.

After months of asserting that the situation was well in hand, the government has now conceded that it has lost control of substantial parts of the country. The new strategy, announced today by military leaders, is to try to pacify the nation’s capital. Planners hope that if the District of Columbia can be brought to heel, other towns and cities across the country will fall into place. They admit, however, that the task will be extremely difficult. General Abdul el-Akbar, chairman of the joint chiefs, acknowledged as much.

“This violence between Christians over who was the legitimate successor to Jesus,” he said at a press conference, “is deeply engrained. They have always been divided in this way. Still, we think Christianity really is a religion of peace, so we hope. Always, we hope.”